Coming out as transgender is never easy, no matter when you do it. But the pandemic has further complicated the process for many young people as they navigate Zoom classes, social isolation, and coming out over email or text. For International Transgender Day of Visibility, I spoke with three transgender teenagers about the added challenges — and possible upsides — of coming out during quarantine.
The following interviews have been edited for clarity and length.
Noam Siegel is a 17-year-old in Potomac, Maryland. They are still experimenting with gender, but currently identify as transmasculine (an umbrella term for people who were assigned female at birth but identify more with a masculine gender identity). After changing their name, their teachers helped them come out to their classes in August 2020
Do you think your coming out experience would have been different if it had been a normal school year?
Yes, definitely. I'm in a hybrid school schedule right now, so I spend two days at school and the rest in virtual classes. I have noticed a big difference in how comfortable I feel online versus in person. I’m a bit shy, and I struggle to correct people when they get my pronouns and name wrong in person. In the form of an email or text, it is a lot easier! So I don’t think I would have come out publicly at school if I had to stand up in front of my class and tell everyone my name and pronouns. I would have been too nervous.
I’ve noticed a big movement to put pronouns in your Zoom name in classes. How did that make you feel before and after coming out?
I am a big advocate for putting pronouns in Zoom names and Instagram bios for cisgender people. I had “she/her” pronouns in my Zoom name before I came out. I wanted other people to do it, so I was like, I’ll model it even if it's not correct for now. But when I switched to putting “they/them” pronouns in my Zoom name, I noticed people ignored them anyway. So I'm not sure how helpful it is.
I guess if someone is going to be transphobic, it doesn't matter if they see your pronouns or not. It feels more intentional on Zoom because my pronouns are right there. If someone were to mess it up in person, it's like, they’re not seeing a name tag, so I assume it’s a mistake. But on Zoom, it feels like they are purposefully not using them.
Were there any other ways that coming out during the pandemic has made the process more difficult?
Google Meet has been a really big stressor for me because my school email hasn't changed yet. So anytime I go onto a call, I know that my deadname [my name assigned at birth] is there. I've had to meet with people I don't know on Google Meet, and they just assume that's my name. I think it is a really inaccessible platform for trans people.
Also, Zoom breakout rooms are really stressful without having a teacher there to facilitate conversations. I get nervous about what people are going to say to me, especially because I have my pronouns in my Zoom name and most people at my school don’t.
Ramona is a 17-year-old from California who identifies as a transgender woman. Her coming out journey was difficult as she struggled with anxiety and fear knowing the disproportionate amount of violence that transgender individuals face. She eventually came out to her family and friends by early fall of 2020. For Ramona, transitioning while taking classes on Zoom was very stressful, and she ultimately decided to drop out of school.
Editor’s Note: Ramona has asked us not to use her photo and to include only her first name. This allows her some anonymity and safety while sharing her story.
Were there any ways that coming out during quarantine made your experience more difficult?
I don't like interacting with people through Zoom. When I’m talking with people face-to-face, I am overly worried about how I look or sound — and that's amplified over Zoom. I’m in this awkward stage of dressing feminine and going by a feminine name, but still not looking or sounding like a cisgender woman. When I turned my camera off in virtual classes, that just made me focus more on my voice, which to this day is one of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable.
I couldn't handle that in Zoom classes. I was constantly worried about what other people were thinking of me. I would have a lot of panic attacks too. I wasn't able to focus well, and eventually I just couldn't go to school anymore. I decided I needed to take a break and come back when I was more comfortable with it. And unfortunately, that never happened.
Do you think not being able to see your friends as much in person has made that experience harder?
Yes and no. When you come out and you want support from someone, obviously it would be great to get a hug. But the main thing that you're looking for is just supportive words, which you can still get online. And having that has been really helpful in making me feel less alone.
Were there any upsides of coming out during quarantine?
It's been kind of a blessing because I'm spending so much time at home. This has given me time to really explore what I feel comfortable with and how I want to express myself — whether that be in the form of clothing, or my room decor, or deciding what I want for my future in terms of hormones and surgery. I've had a lot of time to think about what I want and not necessarily what I want other people to see me as. Quarantine has given me an opportunity to spend a lot of time with myself, and that has been helpful in my transition.
Ollie Rokhsar is an 18-year-old living in Kensington, California who identifies as nonbinary. They officially came out to their parents in October of 2020. In November, they announced their pronouns to friends and relatives over Instagram and email.
Do you think not being able to see your friends in person has changed your coming out experience?
Definitely. When I came out during the pandemic, the hardest thing was being vulnerable and then not having a space to go where I could process it. I took a walk right after coming out to my parents, just to clear my head. In general being in close quarters with family is difficult, but especially while having something really big to talk about like this.
I also have quite a few close friends who were already familiar with the terminology and LGBTQ community. But I haven't seen them in a while because a lot of them live far away and I can’t travel with the pandemic. It has been very difficult not having that support network that I would have in normal times.
I’ve noticed a big movement to put your pronouns in your Zoom name or your social media during quarantine. How did that make you feel?
Before coming out, it was stressful. The movement is meant well, but it has pretty negative connotations for people that can’t be out. For me, the choice was either putting pronouns that I know are incorrect, or I don't put any pronouns. I even had a few people message me on Instagram before I came out, telling me to put my pronouns in my bio. It was weird because I was like, “I can't!”
Were there any ways that coming out during quarantine was easier?
It was easier on the family side of things, because I was able to just send an email. People either sent an email back saying, “Great, I'll try to use these pronouns,” or they didn’t send anything back, and then I don't have to interact with them for however long until the pandemic ends.
I think if I were still in school, it would be much more stressful to have to make some big announcement and then go to school the next day. It feels like there isn’t as much room for scrutiny when it's virtual.
Thank you to Interactive interns Ruiqi (Yuki) Guan, Zoe Harwood, Dara Kashayar, and Dante Ruberto for developing this project together.